


I'm Afraid to Tell You Who I Adore

by Mischel



Series: Merlin Rewatch 2020 [17]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur-centric, Episode: s02e04 Lancelot and Guinevere, First Kiss, Gay Panic, Holding Hands, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), LGBTQ Themes, M/M, POV Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Pining Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischel/pseuds/Mischel
Summary: On their journey to save Gwen from Hengist, Arthur slowly realizes that he not only has feelings for Gwen, he also has feelings for Merlin. And all it takes to finally act on them is Merlin falling from the tower and almost dying.Set in the episode 2x04 Lancelot and Guinevere.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin Rewatch 2020 [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670389
Comments: 34
Kudos: 402





	I'm Afraid to Tell You Who I Adore

**Author's Note:**

> New fic! Warning for a brief mention of blood and Arthur's gay panic :D Enjoy! :)
> 
> The title is another Twenty One Pilots reference, this time from their song Ode to Sleep.

The moment Arthur heard Merlin fall down from the horse the second time, he finally decided it was time to rest. Merlin desperately needed it, that much was obvious, and although Arthur was sure he wouldn't be able to get any sleep, it was better than to let Merlin hurt himself by continuing to fall down from the horse every five minutes.

They prepared their bedrolls, tied their horses to a nearby tree and fed them, and finally lay down to get some sleep. Merlin was out the moment he laid his head on the small pillow, soft breaths making his chest rise and fall almost immediately.

Arthur sighed as he stared at him. He wished it could be so easy for him to fall asleep tonight. He wished his head wasn't filled with this _swirling_ mess of thoughts—of Guinevere, and unfortunately, also of Merlin. He worried about her. He worried that his father was right and that she was long dead. He worried that she didn't really like him back and most of all, he worried that he didn't even truly like her.

He closed his eyes tightly and let his head rest on his pillow next to Merlin, trying to get the thoughts out of his head.

Guinevere was so kind. And beautiful. And he had no doubt he liked her. He _did_ like her. He was sure of it. But then when he looked at Merlin, it felt like his heart would jump out of his chest and he got butterflies in his stomach every time that idiot smiled at him . . .

No, he _couldn't_ like Merlin. It was bad enough that he liked one servant, he couldn't possibly . . . and he couldn't possibly like _Merlin_ more than Guinevere.

Arthur took a deep breath and tried to sleep, but the sleep wouldn't take him. It took him a few hours to realize that he wouldn't be sleeping at all, and instead he got up and prepared the horses for the journey.

He gave Merlin another half an hour before he decided to wake him up. If they weren't in a hurry and didn't have to save Guinevere, he'd let him sleep for a while longer. He looked so peaceful after all, so . . . _content._

Arthur ruined all that by pouring water over Merlin's face.

Probably not his best decision, but Merlin had no right looking like that and _confusing_ Arthur.

And besides, they really had to go.

xoXÖXox

The next time something confusing happened, it was barely a few hours later and they were standing in front of the cave tunnels.

Merlin gave him this _look_ that Arthur absolutely couldn't bear. Right after he'd told him what the Wilddeoren were, Merlin looked at him with his eyes widened in fear and Arthur reacted almost immediately.

"They're like giant . . . _baby rats_."

"Baby rats? They don't sound so bad."

"They feast on human flesh," Arthur added, making sure that it was clear between them that Arthur was _not_ affected in any way by Merlin's _look._

 _Why_ would he be after all?

He turned away from Merlin and suggested the Gaia berries, and smeared them all over Merlin's face for good measure. What he didn't expect was Merlin to do the same to him and smack his berry-covered hands all over Arthur's cheeks, giggling to himself and quickly jumping away.

This resulted in five minutes of them running around, trying to get the other to have as many of the berries smeared on their faces and clothes as possible, absolutely ruining Arthur's point that he was _not_ affected by Merlin in any way from earlier.

The fun ended when Arthur reminded Merlin of why they were there and that Guinevere was still in danger and that they would be taking the tunnels whether he wanted to or not.

And so, half an hour later, they found themselves in almost complete darkness, silently moving along the walls just as Arthur had memorized from the map.

"Ah! I just stepped on something!" Merlin exclaimed in a hushed voice.

"That was my foot," Arthur told him.

"Sorry."

After that, it didn't take long until they heard the Wilddeoren.

Arthur immediately took both their torches and quietly dropped them to the cave floor, putting out the fire with his foot and grabbing Merlin's hand to make him kneel down and hide beside him. The giant rats soon appeared in the tunnels, illuminated only be the tiniest sliver of light from one lone hole in the cavern ceiling.

Merlin squeezed his hand in fear, but Arthur barely noticed, his own heart hammering in his chest.

The Gaia berries would work. They _had_ to work.

"Whatever happens," Arthur whispered to Merlin, "keep completely still."

They sat there in the darkness as one of the Wilddeoren squealed and approached them. It stopped right in front of Merlin's face, sniffing him, and Arthur prayed that there was enough berries on Merlin's face to make the Wildeorren go away.

It took longer than Arthur would like, but eventually, the Wilddeoren walked away, leaving them alone. Both Arthur and Merlin let out a sigh of relief when the danger was gone.

"Are you alright?" Arthur asked Merlin immediately. The servant just nodded, taking deep breaths. Eventually though, his nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Ew, I'm covered in its saliva," he complained.

Arthur smirked. "Well, at least you're alive."

"It smells worse than the berries!"

They took their torches and relit them using Arthur's tinderbox. Then Arthur took Merlin's hand and led them out of the cave. They were lucky enough to not encounter any more Wilddeoren, so the way out of the tunnels was as pleasant as it could be.

It wasn't until they reached the stream in the woods and finally saw natural light again that Arthur realized he still hadn't let go of Merlin's hand.

"Sorry." Arthur immediately let go of Merlin and stepped away, facing the stream and trying to will his blush away.

"No, it's . . . it's fine," Merlin mumbled as he gave Arthur a small smile and walked to the stream to wash his face.

Arthur watched him for a moment, not sure how to feel about Merlin's response. But eventually, he knelt down by the water and started washing his face, getting rid of the awful smell of the berries.

"The gaia berries worked," he wondered out loud, pleased that they weren't dead after all.

What he didn't realize was that Merlin would _not_ share his amusement.

"You didn't _know_ if they worked?" He asked.

Arthur shook his head. "Not for sure." But Guinevere needed them to be there as soon as possible and so they needed to take risks.

" _Now_ you tell me?" Merlin looked as much offended as he could. "Oh, what's that Wilddoreen eating? It's alright, it's just _Merlin_."

Arthur couldn't help but laugh at that. He'd _never_ take Merlin's life so lightly though.

"Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"I'm sorry," Arthur finally apologized. "I shouldn't have risked your life like that."

Merlin gave him this _look_. Arthur didn't understand it until Merlin spoke again. "Well, they do say _love_ makes you do strange things."

Arthur paused. What was Merlin suggesting? "What are you talking about?"

Merlin smiled at him and Arthur got butterflies in his stomach for like the fifth time that day. "Why can't you just admit your feelings for Gwen?" He asked.

Arthur's smile dropped and he stepped back.

His _feelings_ for Guinevere weren't the problem. His feelings for _Merlin_ were. He was on his way to save Guinevere because she was his friend and he liked her. But every second spent in Merlin's presence only made him more aware of the fact that he liked Merlin too. And that perhaps, he even liked him _more_ than Guinevere.

And how could he _ever_ admit that? And to Merlin of all people?

"It's so obvious. A blind man could see it," Merlin continued, but Arthur had already turned away, hoping that Merlin would drop the subject. He didn't. "Is it really that hard to admit you like her? Just say it."

At this point, Arthur finally turned around, his smile completely gone and his mood ruined.

"I can't!" Arthur said. Merlin's smile slowly dropped. "How can I admit that I think about you all the tim—I mean _Guinevere!_ About Guinevere!" He yelled, correcting himself, but it was too late. Merlin's eyes were wide with curiosity and hope and Arthur couldn't bear it.

He cursed and turned around, crossing his arms on his chest and taking a deep breath.

It would probably be best to shut up now, but he couldn't leave it like this. He opened his mouth again and hoped that Merlin would just forget what he'd almost said. "How can I admit that I care about _her_ more than . . . more than . . . "

He couldn't finish the sentence. He knew it would be a lie. He _did_ care about her. He just happened to care about Merlin more.

"How can I admit that I don't know what I'll do if any harm comes to her . . . or—or to y—" He closed his eyes and bit his lips.

"Why can't you?" Merlin asked quietly.

Finally, Arthur turned around to face Merlin, their eyes meeting. "Because _nothing_ can ever happen between us," he said. He meant between him and Guinevere, but he knew that what he was also saying was that nothing could ever happen between him and Merlin.

He knew Merlin understood that. All it took was to look into his eyes one more time, and this time he understood that look perfectly.

Instead of dwelling on that, he turned around once more. He couldn't stand to keep looking at Merlin after what he'd said. It _hurt_ too much.

"Who's to say that nothing can happen?" Merlin challenged, making Arthur close his eyes in regret. His father was the _who._ He'd never allow it. Not between him and Guinevere, and never between him and Merlin.

And Arthur couldn't bear to think about that. "Let's just go and focus on finding her, alright?"

He set off in the direction he remembered from the map and didn't turn around again, trying to forget this conversation had ever happened. He only knew that Merlin was following him from the sound of his soft footsteps behind his back.

xoXÖXox

It took them another couple of hours to finally reach Hengist's castle, and by the time they did, it was already almost dark. It might make the climbing a little more difficult, but it meant that they would not be as easily seen by Hengist's men.

"We'll have to scale the walls," Arthur informed Merlin.

"Maybe there's another way in," Merlin protested.

"Why don't you go and knock on the front gate? I'm sure if you ask nicely, they'll hand Guinevere over to you." Arthur didn't wait for Merlin and left the edge of the forest where they were hiding, already on his way to the shortest tower of the castle.

He knew Merlin had probably never climbed anything this high, and they were lucky that the shortest tower was also the one closest to them.

"Arthur, wait!" Merlin hissed at him as he ran down the hill. But they were exposed here, so Arthur couldn't stop.

That didn't mean that Merlin knew that though. Arthur rolled his eyes when he saw Merlin had stopped in the middle of the hill, looking up at the tower in fear. He quickly ran up to him, grabbed his hand and dragged him down to hide in the shadow from the tower.

It was dark, but because of the moon they could still be spotted, especially on the empty hill.

"Ow," Merlin complained when they arrived.

Arthur let go of his hand. "Do you want to get caught?" He hissed at him. "You can't just stop there like that, there could be guards."

"Sorry."

Arthur sighed, looking up at the high tower. It didn't look as short as it did from the distance.

Merlin seemed to share that opinion. "Are you sure we can climb this?"

"We have to."

"But it's so tall," Merlin pointed out. "And you've got heavy armour on you, and I . . . well, I can't really climb."

"You'll have to learn then." Arthur looked down at him. "And fast."

He didn't like the idea of either of them climbing such a high wall without any rope, but there wasn't really anything they could do. Guinevere needed to be saved, if she was still alive, and there was no other way in without accidentally announcing to Hengist that they were arriving.

Merlin looked like he lost all his confidence as he stared up at what awaited them. After a bit of hesitation, Arthur put his hand on his shoulder in support, making Merlin look at him with wide eyes. "You'll manage. Remember, Guinevere needs us."

Merlin pursed his lips and nodded, rubbing his hands together in preparation.

Arthur stepped closer to the wall and after finding the best spot to start climbing, he was already up and on his way to the top. Merlin was much slower when they climbed, so Arthur kept stopping, letting Merlin climb up to him. He didn't mind though. He _did_ have heavy armour as Merlin had said, and at least this way, he could rest for a bit.

When Arthur looked down to check on Merlin again, his servant grunted loudly and his hand almost slipped. Arthur's heart skipped a beat looking at that. If Merlin fell down . . . he didn't know what he'd do.

He bit his lip before asking, "how are you doing?"

Merlin gasped as his foot slipped on the stones and he had to secure his grip one more time. "It's harder than it looks!"

Arthur was just about to start climbing again, when he heard the unmistakable sound of Merlin's foot slipping again. He looked down at him and had just enough time to see Merlin's eyes widening, his hands losing their grip.

At the last second, Arthur reached out and grabbed Merlin's hand.

"Merlin!" he gasped with effort, trying to keep himself _and_ Merlin on the wall.

"Arthur!" Merlin called desperately, sounding more afraid than Arthur had ever heard him. And that terrified Arthur more than anything.

But it was too late. Before Merlin could find a solid stone for his feet or something else besides Arthur to hold onto, their grip loosened and Merlin slipped out of Arthur's hand.

"Merlin!"

Horrified, Arthur watched as Merlin fell down to the ground, his back hitting the ground beneath them with a loud _thump._

_No no no no no_

_No,_ it couldn't _end_ like this.

Arthur tried to calm his beating heart as he started climbing down hastily, trying to reach Merlin as soon as possible and praying that he was still alive and that he would survive the fall. But judging by the height and the seeming lack of Merlin's breathing, he was already starting to panic.

He couldn't lose Merlin. He _couldn't_.

If they'd already lost Guinevere, he couldn't lose Merlin too. And even if she was still alive, he could _never_ lose Merlin.

He didn't know how to live without him anymore.

It felt like hours before his feet reached solid ground again. He didn't waste a second and ran over to where Merlin lay _lifeless_ on the ground. He knelt down next to him, gently taking his head in his hands and lifting it closer to him.

There was a bit blood on Merlin's lips.

"Merlin!" Arthur shook him gently, tears already flowing down his cheeks. "Merlin, wake up! I can't lose you!"

Merlin didn't respond. Arthur pressed his thumb against Merlin's pulse point, but he couldn't feel anything. He prayed that his pulse was just weak and not completely gone. But with every passing second, the reality of the situation was beginning to dawn on him.

Had he just lost Merlin?

The one person he wanted to get close to despite his doubts and denial? Had he really just lost him?

A sob escaped him as he pressed his forehead against Merlin's, taking deep breaths to try to calm down. He knew he couldn't, but he had to try. Guinevere still needed saving.

But then, as if by a miracle, a cough suddenly escaped Merlin's lips.

Arthur immediately pulled away, looking down at his servant with newfound hope in his eyes, waiting for him to lift his fluttering eyelids. First, Merlin frowned. Then he moaned softly, finally cracking one eye open and finding Arthur above him. He smiled.

"Arthur," he mumbled.

Arthur couldn't help himself. He laughed and leaned down, kissing Merlin on the lips, not even realizing what he was doing until he was already doing it. But once Merlin responded, Arthur's eyes widened and he quickly pulled away, wiping his lips on a sleeve.

"Hey," Merlin protested as he slowly propped himself up on his elbows.

Arthur just stared at him, eyes wide and afraid, mouth slightly open. What had he done? Had he really just kissed Merlin? Had he ruined everything between them? Had he accidentally just revealed what had been bothering him the entire time on their journey? Did Merlin know he fancied him now?

If he tried hard enough, could he still deny it?

And would Merlin believe him?

For a moment, the quiet was deafening. Then, "I thought you liked Gwen."

"Of course I like her, I do," Arthur stuttered out. "I like her . . . but . . . "

Merlin raised his eyebrows at him, still lying on the ground. "But?"

Arthur opened his mouth to answer, only to find out that he didn't know _how_ to answer. He closed his mouth again and vaguely gestured with his hand. He didn't even know what he was trying to say.

In the end, Merlin shook his head with a smile. "It's okay. We don't need to talk about it."

Arthur sighed, closing his eyes. The sigh then turned into a groan and he had to stand up in frustration, facing away from Merlin, hands on his hips. He heard Merlin stand up behind him and he wondered, how could someone fall from that height and still appear as fine as Merlin did?

He looked _dead_ mere moments ago for God's sake.

Arthur also wondered if perhaps any guards had heard them, but so far no one had shown up. Maybe they really did have a chance to sneak into the castle from somewhere on the ground rather than by climbing up the wall.

"So." Merlin cleared his throat awkwardly. "Ignoring what just happened, unfortunately, _um_ ," he looked up at the wall. "Do we climb back up?"

"No." Arthur quickly decided. He did _not_ want to risk Merlin falling again. "We'll find another way," he said.

Merlin didn't complain this time.

xoXÖXox

It was the moment he saw Guinevere take Lancelot's hand with a smile that Arthur knew. He and Guinevere would never be together. She deserved someone who wouldn't have to hide her, like Arthur would have to from his father. She deserved someone as loyal as Lancelot.

Not Arthur.

He wouldn't come between them.

"I think I will get some rest," Guinevere announced by the campfire.

Arthur knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep again. Not after everything that had happened. "I'll take the first watch," he said as he stood up and walked away from the fire.

He went to hide behind a tree so that the others wouldn't see him, and sighed. Why did _feelings_ always have to be so complicated? Why couldn't he fancy just one person, have them fancy him back, and be happy?

It seemed like that wasn't his destiny after all.

As if Merlin knew Arthur was thinking about him, the servant appeared from behind the tree and joined him. They didn't talk, but it felt like they _should_ , and that just made the silence uncomfortable.

Finally, Arthur decided to open up. He knew Merlin would bring it up eventually, so he decided to do it himself instead.

"She doesn't like me."

Merlin shook his head. "No, I'm sure she does, Arthur," he told him, walking closer to him, now standing in front of the prince. He shrugged sadly. "She just happens to like Lancelot more, I guess."

Arthur looked down.

"I'm sorry," Merlin added.

"No, I . . . " Arthur looked up at Merlin, swallowing down his fear. "I just . . . I know the feeling."

Merlin nodded. Arthur wasn't sure if he understood what Arthur meant, but he'd already kissed him. And he held his hand in the caves, and he—

Merlin stepped closer to him and slowly, as if asking for Arthur's permission, took his hand in his. Arthur let him.

"You know that _this_ ," Merlin squeezed his hand, "is okay, right?"

Arthur swallowed. He knew that. But that didn't make their situation any easier. He nodded. "But my father won't ever allow it."

Merlin let his fingers fall between Arthur's, studying their hands silently as if he'd never see them like this again. Arthur would give anything in the world to keep Merlin's hand in his forever.

"We don't have to tell him though. Do we?" Merlin asked, raising his eyebrows.

Arthur frowned slightly in thought. The more he thought about it, the more the fear in him disappeared. In the end, he shook his head. "No." He let a smile return to his face, for the first time in so long. "He doesn't need to know."

"So, we only need to be careful," Merlin finished Arthur's thought.

Arthur nodded and despite trying to hide from his feelings for so long, he found himself slightly leaning closer to Merlin. Merlin noticed with a smile, letting go of Arthur's hand and instead putting his hands on Arthur's hips, leaning up.

Their eyes closed, their lips touched, and Arthur _finally_ let go of his fear and hesitation.

It only took this one kiss to erase all his confusion from earlier. He liked Guinevere, yes, but she liked Lancelot more. And that was alright. And as it turned out, there was another person that Arthur liked, even more than Guinevere. And that person liked him back, and most importantly, made him _happy._

As long as he was pinned against that tree with Merlin's lips on his own, that is.

But soon the kiss ended, and with all the frustration, fear and confusion finally gone, Arthur suddenly found himself exhausted.

As if sensing that, Merlin asked. "Will you sleep tonight?"

Arthur nodded, still keeping Merlin close. "I should."

"Go." Merlin smiled at him. "I'll keep the watch for a while."

Grateful, Arthur smiled and leaned down to give Merlin one last kiss before he headed back to the campfire. Guinevere was already sleeping, perched on a conveniently shaped short tree, and Lancelot was lying nearby on the forest floor, his eyes closed, face illuminated by the fire.

When Arthur looked at him, he didn't feel jealousy anymore. Instead, he looked up at Merlin who was leaning against a tree on the little hill, his face instead illuminated by the moon, and finally feeling content, he laid his head down by the fire, closing his eyes and letting the sleep take him with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :) Btw Merlin survived the fall because he's immortal. Or rather, he died and came back to life. :)


End file.
